It never occurred to me that it was strange to see a ghost leaning against the school gate on a summer’s afternoon, a half eaten apple held in her hand. My best friend had moved three months ago. Well, that’s what my parents told me. I was too young to understand, of course isn’t that always the way?
“You’re back then,” I said to her as I strolled out of school. She shrugged and tossed the apple-core into the hedge beside me. I was too busy watching the wind in her red hair to notice people looking at me and crossing to the other side of the street.
“I suppose so,” she replied. I should have told her that I’d missed her, but the other boys were watching and I didn’t want to seem like a sissy.
“So, have you missed me?” she teased, poking my arm and smirking.
“A bit.”
She laughed and turned away. When she wasn’t looking I sneaked a glance at her freckled face and smiled.
“I found a new place we could make a den.”
“Great,” she replied, “Unless you’re too cool to play with a girl anymore!”
I felt my cheeks turning red. When she saw my burning face she just laughed even harder, more of a cackle than a laugh really.
“So what was Scotland like?” I asked as we turned onto my lane. For a moment she looked confused, but then she shrugged her shoulders again.
“Not as bad as I’d expected. But still not much fun.”
I tried to steal another look at her, but she caught me looking and started laughing again.
“So you have missed me!”
I didn’t reply as I thought back over the new night light I had to get to help me sleep and not having a partner for P.E
She read the look on my face and did a victory dance. Her hair twirled around her head like red ribbons. All too soon I saw my house coming in to view and felt my tummy drop. I didn’t want her to go again.
Reading my mind again, she said, “I’ll meet you out here tomorrow morning then? You can show me this place for a den.”
I nodded and smiled.
“Bye,” I said, backing into my house and closing the door.
The next day I told Mum where I was going and she looked at Dad in a funny way. For a moment I thought she was going to make me stay at home and do my homework but instead she packed me some sandwiches and I went outside to meet Amy. When I opened the front door, there she was, leaning against our wall and eating a bright green apple.
“Come on then,” she said.
We spent the rest of the day making a den by the river. I found fern leaves for the roof and Amy swept a space on the ground with some twigs. Once it was finished we sat down and I ate my sandwiches. She didn’t talk much, but I was still listening to her. Listening to all the things that made her my best friend. Like the way she gave me the driest spot to sit and shaded the sun from my eyes with her jacket.
“So I’ll see you tomorrow then?” she said, as we walked back to my house. I nodded. As she walked down the lane I wanted to run after her and tell her something, but couldn’t work out what it was that I wanted to say. That I’d missed her I suppose.
The next day we went swimming together. Amy didn’t have to pay and I can remember being so jealous that I didn’t talk to her. But it didn’t last very long. Soon we were talking again, so much that a woman kept tutting at us.
I never asked her again about when she moved away. For some reason I never felt I had to.
During the week I wouldn’t see her as much, but never had to ask when I’d see her again. One day she wouldn’t be there, and the next, there she’d be. As we grew older Mum and Dad wanted me to see less of her, but I would find ways to sneak out and see her. And she always seemed to be there when I needed her, whether it was helping me revise for an exam or appearing from around a corner when someone was bullying me. Until one day.
We were sitting with our backs against the wall of our den.
“I have to move back to Scotland,” she said suddenly. I tried not to let her see that I was upset, but of course she knew. Her eyes were red as she spoke to me.
“My Dad has to move back and I need to go with him.”
“Can’t you stay with me?” I asked, foolishly of course. She shook her head. At the time I suppose I thought she was mine, but now I realise other people needed her. So then she was gone, just like that. I cried as I watched her red hair disappear down the lane.
Somehow, it eventually became obvious that I had to move on. In time I found new friends, and one day when I was sorting through some of my old things with my parents, I found a photo of her.
“What ever happened to Amy?” I asked them. They looked at each other.
“Darling, she died of leukaemia when you were very young. I’m so sorry; I guess I didn’t know how to tell you she was gone.”
But I know my parents are wrong. Amy isn’t gone. I haven’t seen her for 9 years, but I know I will. One day, when I need her the most, there she will be, leaning on my fence with her red hair sitting on her shoulders and a bright green apple in her hand.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really liked this story. It didn't go on about the fact that the narrator could see the ghost and no one else could, just a few details but not overdone, and kept at a good length. I also like the repetition of the green apple. Nice job!
A really cute story i liked it alot, although i do agree with other comments that the ending could use some work but other than that well done a very nice peice!
Beautiful story, darling! I started reading it because of the title--my real name's Amy. Very lovely, haunting, wonderful, I loved it! Just one little thing that popped out:
All I can say is that the wording's a little choppy/awkward, it threw me out of the spell that the rest of the piece had drawn me into. If you could just smooth that out a bit, that would be wonderful.
You have real talent, darling! hope to read more of your stuff in future!
I liked this a lot. Cute story, great characters, and everyone else already critted what I wanted to say.
thanks for all your comments. I wrote this for a competition which it won so at the moment I'm not looking to do any more work on it, especially as I'm busy with all sorts of other things I'm working on. I do agree with most of your comments though and when I get round to it, I agree it could do with some more work. Thanks for the advice, it will be really useful.
Hello
First off I'd like to say I really liked this piece. It's something I would keep reading. I think you have a sense of how to keep things together, without wandering off the point and leading the reader into distraction.
I have a couple of suggestions. Hope you don't mind I express:
I think the level of the piece was going well until this last bit. I'm not going to rewrite the paragraph for you but as a reader I felt it didn't fit right. It kind of tripped the direction of the story up, word wise. Perhaps think about reformatting that paragraph for the flow of the story.
Another thing - it seems peculiar to me that even as a small child the character would not know her friend died of cancer. If you change the death of the character to something such as an accident, where it would be viable to understand how a child would be confused, that might make more sense. If her friend had cancer, she would have been out of the picture for a while and probably would have said something, if they were best friends such as expressing fear. I'm not sure exactly what to say - but even as a very small child I think I would understand if my best friend had leukemia. That's me though - so just a suggestion.
I think you should keep working on it, the piece has a lot of potential.
That was real cute. The ending was real obvious though, which was disappointing. I think if we would have not know she had died, I would have liked it better. But the way you did it was good.
The one thing I think you could improve on is the emotions. At the part where Ami has to leave again, the main character talks about how she feels and you're telling, instead of showing. Show us how she feels (Whether through action or dialog) it'll involve the reader more.
I liked how she always appeared leaning against something, and eating a green apple. It was eerie.
That was nice. You crafted it perfectly so that we, as readers, can see that Amy is just in the narrators head, although you don't outright tell us until the end. Great use of subtlety.
Just one thing that I picked out that could be slightly changed:
I didn't reply as I thought back over the new night light I had to get to help me sleep and not having a partner for P.E.
That sentence reads sort of awkwardly, in my opinion. If you change it to something like:
I didn't reply. I hated not having a partner in P.E., and I couldn't sleep anymore without my new night light, but I still couldn't admit that I'd missed her.
Of course, you can completely disregard that and keep it how it is, or make it something completely different.
Anyway, you have a good short story here. Very well done.